Dads, Daughters, and Dating

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I think I was 16, maybe 17.  My dad told me the one thing that any pastor’s kid dreads.  He said that he was going to be speaking at the youth worship service on Sunday. (There were no Emojis back then, but if there were, Insert hand to face Emoji here.)  But that’s not all.  He was going to be bringing a message about dating. Oh Lord have mercy. My life, as I know it, is over, I thought.

You see, we belonged to one of the largest churches in town.  Our youth group was thriving.   Many kids that I went to public high school with attended my youth group.  I mean it’s one thing to have a dad who’s a pastor, but a whole other when he’s going to be delivering a message on dating to your peers.

That Sunday came and went, and I survived–barely. I don’t remember everything about the message, but I do remember my dad spoke directly to the boys in the room that day, and you could hear a pin drop.  He talked to them about his expectations of boys when it came to dating his daughters.  I’m pretty certain it was in that moment that my chances of dating, or having a boyfriend in high school, dramatically decreased.  Thanks, Dad!

Fast forward to my early adult years.  After several dates, a few serious boyfriends, and one called-off engagement, I met the love of my life.  And then another significant, life changing moment happened, when my dad pulled me aside and gave me his blessing over my relationship with Matthew. He told me, with some emotion in his voice, “that guy loves you, Krista. I have no doubt he is the one for you.”  I had not heard that about anyone else.  And if I hadn’t been 100% sure already about Matthew, I certainly was in that moment.

My dad has always been the strong, quiet type.  He didn’t parent me with a lot of words and lectures, but I always knew how he felt about me and where he stood on things.  He raised me in a way that I had great respect for him, and maybe a slightly healthy fear of him.  I’ve never wanted to disappoint him.  And when it came to dating, and eventually marriage, I knew what would disappoint him and cause him angst.  It made me feel secure to know he cared that much, and somewhere deep down I knew he had more wisdom than I did at that time.

Friends, I’m telling you right now, I’ve married someone very similar to my dad.  He’s a different color than my dad.  He talks more than my dad.  He’s not a pastor like my dad.  But he’s so much like my dad when it comes to raising two daughters.

We are at that point in parenting where our daughters are dating boys.  I’m pretty sure anyone close to me would agree that I’m a train wreck at times.  I ride the emotional rollercoaster with them.  I go to the highest of highs and lowest of lows in minutes.  I lose sleep, as my mind wanders to worse case scenarios played out in my head. And then I hear the quiet snoring of the man next to me and wonder, for the love of God, how he can sleep through these moments.

There’s a thing about dads and daughters who share a healthy relationship with one another.  Not much really needs to be spoken or needs reminding. Important things can be said once, and left to simmer.  Oh how I wish I had this super power, but my words, fueled by intense emotions always, always get the best of me.  Matthew, on the other hand, has laid things out pretty clearly to our daughters, removing much of the emotions.  There will be no forever promises made to boys during high school. No engagements until after college.  Turning eighteen means a lot of things, but it doesn’t mean you sever ties with your parents and do whatever you want.  Decisions about part time jobs, college, and their young adult future needs to be made independently from the boy and not about him.

Pretty straight forward, right?

What you may not see here is that this message was given to our daughters with so much grace and love. As much as I think these two precious girls know all this, I wonder if they really get it. They hold their daddy’s heart.  Nothing they could do could cause that love to disappear.  As I look back on my own relationship with my dad, through my 40-something year old parenting lenses, it makes so much sense to me now.  I could never reason out in my own head how you could disappoint someone like your daddy, and they would still love you.  But I also know that if I did break his heart, the consequences of that action would be devastating to me.  Yes, he would still love me, but restoring that relationship with him; building up all that trust; would be a challenge I never want to face.

I see so many parallels in the story I just shared with you that relate to my personal relationship with God the Father.  Because of my earthly father, I understand a little bit—a fraction, of the love my God has for me.  But here’s the big takeaway; even though I know I couldn’t lose the love God has for me, I don’t even want to risk wandering away from Him even a little bit.  The consequences are just too great.  I want a healthy fear of Him.  I want to please Him by being obedient to Him.  I want to receive the blessings He has in store for me because of my reverence for Him.

Maybe some of you reading this don’t have a healthy relationship with your earthly father.  Maybe some of you are single mamas and you are raising kids by yourself.  It feels gut-wrenchingly lonely, and the heartache of this reality is all consuming at times.  But I know the Best Daddy Ever is right beside you. He’s waiting to catch you. He wants to hold you. He is right there to fill whatever void has been taken from you.

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:1-2