Thoughts From My Couch

It’s been a year and a half since I wrote Part 1 and Part 2 of my journey. I mostly wrote those pieces for myself, and wasn’t sure if I would ever share them publicly. So much happened during that time.   So much of it was sacred–things that were for me and me alone to process. I think I’m ready, though. I think I’m ready to share some pieces of my journey with you. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I don’t want to be self-serving, but authentic. I don’t want to draw attention to me, but to the Lord, Jesus Christ. I don’t want to be judged, but shown grace.

“Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to the other: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” – CS Lewis

That’s what I want.

So, here goes. This is what I’m learning…

I would love to tell you that I choose the right path most of the time now, but that would be a lie. I would love to tell you how counseling worked wonders, and Krista 2.0 is pretty awesome. That would not only be a lie, but pretty arrogant.   I would love to tell you how I received blessing after blessing the minute I started to walk in obedience on this journey God called me to, but that would be a lie too. This journey has been challenging, and full of questions about things I thought I had figured out long ago.

Here’s the truth about my life right now. Sometimes Bible verses are just words to me. Sometimes sitting on a couch and talking to a counselor is just too much to process.  Sometimes I don’t go to church, or pray, or have a quiet time regularly. Sometimes I really wonder how God feels about me. I sound messy, don’t I?

But here’s the deal. I’ve learned about this thing called freedom. I’m not talking about land of the free, home of the brave, although, that’s pretty awesome. I’m not really talking about Constitutional freedoms either, though another great privilege. I’m talking about freedom in Christ.

Freedom. In. Christ.

Most of my life I’ve been wound up pretty tight. I think a good descriptive word would be legalistic. I’m kind of embarrassed when I think back on some of the thoughts, opinions, statements, and even posts I wrote, and how judgy I was.

Yes, judgy. You see, legalism is just a fancy word for judgmental. Remember the Pharisees? They were an ancient, Jewish group of teachers who strictly abided by laws and traditions, and they saw it fit to call people out who didn’t follow their ways. Legalism at its best. They often gave Jesus a hard time during His ministry on earth.

“They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. “Everything they do is done for people to see.” Matthew 23:4-5a (To really get a flavor of the Pharisees, check out Matthew, chapter 23, in its entirety.)

This really became clear to me sitting on the infamous couch in the counselor’s office.   In one of our sessions he told me that I was a good Christian girl. I smiled and blushed. He didn’t.

“I don’t mean that in a good way. You’re too good. You follow all the rules that good, little Christians follow, but you’re driven by pleasing people and not pleasing God.”

Ouch. Like really, painfully, OUCH.

“If the Trinity were sitting in this room, right now—The Father, Son and Spirit—they would each tell you that they don’t care about what you DO. They care about YOU. They just want you, in all your messiness.”

I don’t think I will ever be able to repeat that transforming statement without choking up.

“Oh my goodness,” I said. “That sounds like freedom.”

He shook his head in agreement.

And that was the day I started to walk slowly toward freedom. I didn’t understand it that day. I’m not sure I fully grasp it now. But with the help of weekly counseling sessions, I found some tools.

When ugly thoughts start invading my head, well actually one ugly thought, I should… I’m learning to take it captive. Should is an ugly word for people pleasers like me. I should do this. I should volunteer in this ministry at church, even though I’m totally exhausted. I should sign up to serve at this event, even though my family misses me. I should reach out to this person because they might be mad if I don’t. Should. Should. Should.

“God doesn’t want your shoulds. He doesn’t want to be a should—something you cross off your list. He wants you to want Him,” the counselor said.

Again, words I had to chew on for a long time.

Time has passed since those exhausting, honest, counseling sessions. I’m getting better, but I still have to reach for my “tools” on occasion.

At first it was really difficult, but now, well now, I attend church services because I want to be there. I pray and read scripture because it fills a deep need. My “quiet time”—if I have one—looks a little different. Turns out there are a lot more ways to connect with God than I realized. As far as volunteering in church settings, well I don’t right now. There are still some deep wounds that need attention before I venture down that path. But that is another story for another time.

Today, I’m choosing freedom in Christ.  And freedom feels really, really good.

“Then you will know the truth, [about yourself] and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

[emphasis mine]