Thoughts From the Counselor’s Couch

My Name is Krista, and I’m My Own Torchbearer (Part 1)

I remember the hour well. Sitting on the comfortable sofa in his office, although it didn’t feel very comfortable with how stiff my shoulders felt. Probably due to the weight of the burden I was carrying. The box of tissue sat about 24 inches in front of me on the coffee table. I was determined not to need one. I was determined to be strong. But then I remembered that there is strength in tears. Or is it strength in numbers? No, I think there’s strength in tears too.   Did I make that up? No, I think it’s true. But sheesh, the mess tears make of mascara. I grabbed a tissue to hold onto for safe keeping—you know, just in case.

The cozy room was quiet on this cold, November day. The sound of a crackling fire would have made it just about perfect, but it was a counseling office, and there was this elephant in the room that needed some attention.

He sat down and pulled out a ginormous Bible from the bookshelf behind him. He handed it to me and asked me to read some scriptures. I read aloud from passages in Isaiah and Romans. I read perspective from ancient prophets, and from apostles of the first church. And then it hit me. On that November day. In the middle of my session.

I’m selfish.

The elephant in the room suddenly addressed. How did I not see it all this time? Pride. Self-centeredness. A sinful nature.

You might wonder why I didn’t hightail it out of there. After all, admitting to someone that you are as selfish as they come, well, it’s humbling to say the least.

But here’s the thing. I’m not alone. Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden every human being that walks this earth is selfish. We can’t help it. At the very core of who we are we have this thing called a selfish nature.

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of (the fruit) your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:4-5

And there it is. Temptation. Lies from the enemy’s mouth to our hungry hearts. Maybe God isn’t right? Maybe my way is better? Pride entered this world and corrupted the purity of God’s word.

I think what Adam and Eve missed, and what we so often miss is the warning God was giving in the Garden that day. Eating the fruit, and going against God’s specific instructions would cause death—not physical death, but death in our souls. A separation from God that causes a gap we don’t have the power to bridge.

I continued reading. This time a short, powerful sentence written by the Apostle Paul.   A statement that I don’t think I’ve ever noticed in my many years of walking with the Lord.

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

Romans 7:24

I looked up. Tears staining my face. Trying to find that look of I get it. I’ve been there too, from him. And then the fleeting thought that I must remember waterproof mascara next time, as I reached for yet another tissue. It was there, in his eyes, the look I needed. I realized that I was in good company—someone further along in their journey, and a little less messy than me.

“Let’s stop there,” he said. “Chew on that for a while and we will meet again soon.”