Thoughts from the Counselor’s Couch Part 2

My Name is Krista, and I’m My Own Torchbearer.

It was another Friday in November. I sat on the same couch, holding the same Bible, and reading truth that jumped off the page and hit me between the eyes.

Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand; you shall lie down in torment. Isaiah 50:10-11

He asked me my thoughts about what I had just read.

“Isaiah, the prophet, is describing two types of people in these passages. The first one he describes fears the Lord and obeys and trusts him even through dark times in life. The second one he describes kindles his own flame and walks by his own human wisdom.”

In my head, I was patting myself on the back, certain I had the right answer.

Then he asked me to read the last line.

“This you have from my hand; you shall lie down in torment.”

“Oh. Okay. Hmm, that’s not good. Nor at all comforting. So, I will experience strife and torment if I try to be my own torchbearer? And I’m clearly being my own torchbearer?”

He nodded yes.

Again, tears welled in my eyes. All these things I thought I had figured out, and nothing. So many questions swirled in my head. Questions I thought I had answered years ago.

“Wow, I’m quite the mess,” I mumbled.

He smiled and nodded in agreement. “We all are.”

He went on to explain that there are two paths I can choose every time I’m faced with a decision. I can either choose the path of life, or the path of death—figuratively speaking of course. The path of death is based on my own humanness, pleasing others, and basically carrying my own torch. The path of life, however, is based on walking in obedience to God, and pleasing Him.

I sat for what seemed like a very long time, with the counselor across from me. He must be very comfortable with silence. I’m not.  At least I thought I wasn’t, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. No words came to mind. Nothing. I must have had a blank stare on my face. So much emotion began swirling all at once in my head. I didn’t know if I should laugh, or cry, or get angry, or curse and throw the Bible across the room. I felt so broken, so indecisive, so not me.

Let me stop right here and say something about counseling. It is not for the faint of heart. If you are determined to face the truth about your life, and a counselor is determined to help you, then it will be exhausting, challenging, even painful, but so very worth it.

And as much as I was uncomfortable sitting in silence, not having answers, and not being able to carry on a conversation with my counselor for what seemed like several minutes; I have found that there is depth in silence.  That what is not spoken is sometimes just as important as what is. There is depth and healing in quietness.  You should try it sometime.

Later that day, after a long nap, the emotions calmed, the exhaustion subsided, and energy returned. I knew this was just the beginning though.   The beginning of a new journey. The beginning of a journey that would be the most challenging one I’ve ever experienced.   It would have been so easy that day to choose a different path, a different journey, one that wouldn’t be so painful and challenging.   But in that moment, I realized that if Krista 2.0 was in there, it was going to take work.

Deep breath…..Here goes something…

More later, my Friends.